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Dan's Jokes

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Dan's Jokes

Postby admin_pornrev » Thu Aug 19, 2010 9:58 am

To maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity:
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. On all your cheque stubs, write “For Marijuana”

3. Order a Diet Water with a serious face, whenever you go out to eat.

4. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream, “I WON! I WON!”

5. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling “Run for your lives! They’re loose!”

6. Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the economy we are going to have to let one of you go.

And the best is last:
7. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.


Have you heard that Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are getting a divorce?

Yes, it's very sad, but Mickey went to see a divorce lawyer and explained what was going on and why he wanted a divorce.

The attorney was shocked and told Mickey that he would have to do some checking and for Mickey to come back in a week.

The following week Mickey showed up and the attorney told him, "I've been investigating your allegations and I don't think that you can prove that
Minnie is crazy."

"Crazy?" Mickey asked. "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy!"


A fat woman goes to her doctor and asks “What’s the easiest exercise I can do to help me lose weight”?

He replies, “Shake your head from side to side”.

She asks, “How often should I do this”?

Doctor says, “Every time you’re offered food you fat bitch”!


There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says.

"The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."

The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it." So the doctor performs the operation.

A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.

Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.

Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably... but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"


Scientists found that many women develop “Hoover’s Disease” after a year of marriage. They make a continuous fucking whining noise and don’t suck any more!


This boy just takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blow job?"

"What? You're crazy???!!!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."

"No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbour..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up.."

"I've already said NO, and NO!"

"Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too.."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

"My love.. don't be like that.."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says. "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the

guy a blow job himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."


Yippee! My Mate just invited me to a charity dinner for Women Without Legs. Apparently the dance floor will be crawling with pussy!


An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.

The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen and was handed $66.

He asked the teller why he got less money than he had gotten the previous week.

The lady answers, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, he turned around and said "Fluc you Amelicans too!"


Laura and Bob decide to try a 69. Bob didn’t know what it was, so Laura decided to show him. She tells Bob to lie on the floor and sits on top of him. She is just about to start when she farts, “oops, sorry Bob”. She trys again and farts again, “oops sorry Bob”. Bob jumps up and storms out. Laura yells “where are you going”?... Bob replies, “I’ll be fucked if I’m hanging around for another 67 of those”.


A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange.

The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal!

But I have a question, "why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."

"No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'"

"Keep going!" the bartender urged.

"I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss.

POOF!!!! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have three wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger. She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?'"

"What next?" begged the bartender.

"I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How 'bout a little head?'".....POOF!!!


A girl in a pub pointed at my beer gut and said “what is that, Victorian Bitter or Carlton Draft”. I said “no idea, but there is a tap underneath if you want a taste”!

GIRLS REACTION TO COCK: 9” oh shit, pain!... 8” be gentle!... 7” ohh yes!... 6” perfect!... 5” ok, it will do!... 4” push more! 3” is it in??... 2” just use your fucking tongue please!!

I really wanna give you a hug...but a hug leads into a kiss...a kiss leads into a lick...a lick leads into a suck...a suck leads into a fuck... cum here and give me a hug!!!


An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.

As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy.

After a short while he asked her what she was.

"I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian.

I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women," told the young woman.

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.

A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.


Charging through the snow, in the V8 wonder sled, crashing into trees, because I’m off my fucking head. Been smoking billy’s too, I’ve had beers and more. I’m heading to the red light zone to get myself a whore! Hey!

Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Santa’s smoking weed, Mrs Claus is on the floor she’s over dosed on speed. Blitzen’s fucked, the elves are too, their peaking off their heads, and Rudolf snorts another line, the prick will wind up dead. Hey!


Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions.

The first cowboy says his favourite position is the "rodeo".

The other cowboy asks what the position is, and how to do it ?

The first cowboy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style.

Once things start to get under way and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear: "Your sister likes this position too."

Then try to hang on for 8 seconds.


Two priests are in the Vatican bathroom using the urinals one of them looks at the other ones penis and notices there is a nicobate patch on it. He looked at the other priest and says “I believe you are supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis, the other one replies “It’s working just fine, I’m down to two butts a day”

You can’t spell paedophile without POPE.... PaedOPhilE

Went to the doctors the other day and found out my new doctor is a female and drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed but she said “don’t worry I’m a professional, I’ve seen it all before, just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you any way I can......... I said “I think my cock tastes funny”


Bob goes into the public rest room and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms.

As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.

Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK."

Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mould and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful.

Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.


I watched as the "other" woman delicately inserted her fingers into my wife's pussy. Understandably I decided to have a wank.... Midwives eh? No sense of humour


A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would
have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife came up to him and
being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a WILD fuck.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there,I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"


Two mates are having a drink. One says “If I went to your house while you were at work, got a blow job off your wife, sucked her tits, fucked her in the ass and pussy and she got pregnant, would that make us related?” His mate reply's...... “I don’t know about related but it would definitely make us even.”


Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says,

"Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks.

If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says "Shit. All I've got is thirty." She says, "Hold on."

She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?"

Harry says, "A hand job." She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job. He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE penis.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?


Women should be like golf caddies..... Either holding your balls or getting the fucking tee ready.


A vacation penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla

ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says,It looks like you blew a seal.

No, no, the Penguin replies. "It's ice cream !"


A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

“I’m sorry sir, but I am blind, and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I’ll smell it and order from there.”

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. “Ah, yes that’s what I’ll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner’s wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistaking brings him a menu again. “Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t recognise you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.”

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great, I’ll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli.

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see’s him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, “Mary rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.”

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

“Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.”

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, “Hey I didn’t know that Mary worked here?”

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