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Priest and Nun Jokes

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Priest and Nun Jokes

Postby admin_pornrev » Sat Jul 25, 2009 7:07 am

Priest and Nun Jokes

Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell.

She immediately called Saint Peter and said, "This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake"! She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he'd get right on it.

The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter so she called him again. "Please set this error straight before tomorrow", she begged. "There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone *must* attend"!

"Of course, Sister", he said. "I'll get you out of there right away".

Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning Saint Peter received another phone call from hell.

He picked up the receiver with tribulations of his heart and started to listen. He heard the following, "Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind"!


"Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight"? inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging stomach.

"Why, no Father", answered the nun demurely, "It's just a little gas".

A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing her habit barely fit across her belly. "Oh, just a bit of gas", said sister Ann, blushing a bit.

On his next visit Father Dan was walking down the corridor when he passed Sister Ann wheeling a baby carriage.

Looking in, the priest observed, "Cute little Fart"!


Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state ofagitation. "Father"! she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this"!

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited"?

"Well, father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money"!

"A serious infraction, indeed"! said the priest.

"But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun, "it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall"!!

"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?"

"Well, I hit the CEILING, father." "How much did you win?"


Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store.

One day, in walked Sister Mary K. and said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy".

"Sister Mary Katherine", exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I have never sold alcohol to a nun in my life"!

"Oh Jack, she responded, it's only for the Mother Superior". Her voice dropped, "It helps her constipation, you know". So Jack sold her the brandy.

Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine, and she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the side walk.

A crowd was gathering. Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! And you told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation"!

Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied, "And so it is, me lad, so it is...

When she sees me, she's gonna crap herself"!


An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.

After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying, "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... Have you actually ever tasted it"?

The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion". Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "In your religion... I know you're supposed to be celibate. But...

The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice".

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it"?


A Lutheran pastor, a Catholic priest and a Rabbi were fishing from a boat not from the lake shore.

The pastor had to make a trip to the port-a-potty located on the shore, so he got out of the boat, walked across the water and in the same matter, came back to the boat after he was finished.

A little later, the priest had to make the trip also. He got out of the boat, walked across the water, visited the bathroom and in the same manner, came back to the boat.

Still later, the rabbi needed to go ashore. He got out of the boat and immediately sank. The pastor looked at the priest and said, "Do you think we ought to tell him where the rocks are"?


Protestant to Catholic conversion.

A protestant moved into a completely Catholic community. Being good Catholics they welcomed him into their community. But, also because they were good Catholics they did not eat red meat on Fridays.

So, when their neighbour began barbecuing some juicy steak on Friday night, they began to squirm.

They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it. After much talk they convinced him to become Catholic.

The next Sunday he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said: "You were born Protestant. You were raised Protestant. But now you are Catholic"!

And so, the next Friday, as the neighbours sat down to eat their fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef coming from the neighbouring house.

They went over to talk to the new Catholic because he knew he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays.

When they saw him, he was sprinkling ketchup on the beef saying: "You were born a cow. You were raised a cow. But now you are fish"


One day there were 10 would-be Catholic priests, going through the tests that would make them ministers.

The final test required them to all strip butt-naked and stand in a row with little bells attached to their dicks, facing a beautiful naked woman.

Well, lo and behold one of the bells went off, but when it did, it fell to the ground. As soon as its owner bent over to pick it up, all the 9 remaining bells sounded at once.

Yup. Nine more ordained priests added to the Catholic Church.


A few years ago, when the Catholic church reform began to be much in the news, Mrs. Moskowitz said to Mrs. Finkelstein, "Tell me, Becky, have you heard by chance what's going on in Rome"?

"No," said Mrs Finkelstein. "I haven't. What's going on in Rome"?

"A meeting of high Catholic churchmen has, among other things, decided that the Jews are not responsible for the crucifixion of Jesus".

Mrs Finkelstein raised her eyebrows. "Indeed? And who is responsible, then"?

"I'm not sure," said Mrs. Moskowitz. "I think they suspect the Puerto Ricans".


An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:

Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old".

Father: "When was the last time you made a confession"?

Man: "I never have, I am Jewish".

Father: "Then why are telling me all this"?

Man: "I am telling everybody ..."


This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned".

The priest asked, "What did you do, my son"?

"I lusted," the fellow replied.

"Tell me about it", the priest said.

The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a delivery man for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in".

"And, what did you do, my son"? asked the priest.

"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how lusted", replied the man.

"Your sin has been forgiven", replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son".

"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be"? the fellow asked.

The priest hesitated, but thought to himself, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass".


A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years and tells the priest he's been having sexual intercourse with a pig ever since his wife died.

The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether the pig is a male or female.

"No! I'm not doing it any more"! says the farmer. "And the pig is a female, of course. What the hell do you think I am -- a God dam queer"?


Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies.

She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies.

A while later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally together." A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

"I mean her legs!"


A little Catholic kid was praying as hard as he could.

"God", he prayed, "I really want a car". Jumping up and dashing to the window, he saw that the driveway was empty.

"God", he prayed again, "I really NEED a car". Still no answer to his prayers.

Suddenly the kid stood up, ran into his parents bedroom, and grabbed the statuette of the Virgin Mary off the mantelpiece. He wrapped it up in ten layers of paper, using three rolls of tape and a spool of twine, then stuffed it inside a box at the very bottom of his closet.

"Okay, God", he said, getting down onto his knees again, "if you ever want to see your mother again...


Sister and Priest

A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks down.

They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel. The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a minor problem.

Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed.

Sister: I think that would be okay.They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room.

Ten minutes later...

Sister: Father, I'm terribly cold.

Priest: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.

Ten minutes later...

Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold.

Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket.

Ten minutes later...

Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

Priest: You're probably right...... get up and get your own damn blanket!


There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down. And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!


Nuns First Hot Dog:

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs".

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do".

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward him.

"Two dogs, please", says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil.

Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.

The mother superior is first to open hers. Staring at it for a moment, she leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get"?


Three Nuns died and were up at outside the gates of Heaven. St. Peter was there with them.

St. Peter decided he needed to quiz each nun with a different question to see if they really deserved to go to Heaven.

St. Peter asked the first nun, "Nun, Who was the first man on earth"? She replied, "That would be Adam". St. Peter let her through the gates.

St. Peter walked up to the second nun and asked her, "Nun, Who was the first woman on earth"? She replied, "That would be Eve". St. Peter let her through the gates.

St. Peter walked up to the third nun and asked her, "What was the last thing that Eve told Adam before they left Paradise"?

The nun was puzzled. She thought about it for a long time." HHHHMMMM," she said aloud, "Thats a hard one." St. Peter let her through the gates.


There was once this guy and a girl in a car, parked neatly on Makeout Ridge, and they were, well, doing the obvious.

So, here they were, naked as jay birds, when the guy suddenly says: "I need a cigarette".

"But honey," his lover says. "The store closes in two minutes. You'll never have time to get to the store, and get dressed".

"That's okay", He quips. "I'll just run down there naked, and if anyone sees me, I'll pretend I'm a statue".

So the young man ran down to the store, got two packs of cigarettes (this store was obviously in a heavy nudist area or something), and starts to run back.

The car is in sight, and he has a few more yards to go, when all of the sudden three nuns round the corner.

He panics, and freezes like a statue, his beloved cigarettes in one hand.

The first nun walks over to the young man. "Oh! What a beautiful cigarette dispenser"! She exclaimed.

She sticks a quarter up his ass, pulls on his dong, and he drops a pack of cigarettes in utter disbelief.

The second nun strolls over. "What an interesting cigarette dispenser! I must try it, too". She sticks a quarter up the young man's ass, chokes his chicken, and he drops the other pack of cigarettes.

The third nun was the unimpressed sort. She strode up, stuck a quarter up the young man's ass, and yanked his monkey. Nothing happened.

She pulled on his Element of Adam again. Nothing happened. She tried third time, and her eyes widened with sudden realisation and surprise." Oh, I get it! A lotion dispenser"!

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