Mostly Wife Jokes from Dave • View topic - Mostly Wife Jokes from Dave
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Mostly Wife Jokes from Dave

PostPosted: Thu Sep 03, 2009 5:56 am
by admin_pornrev
Ohh WOW we at must be getting some good KARMA... The site is still not finnished but some of our new friends have given us so much good stuff. These Jokes have come from one of our 1st friends to join the site, Dave... Thanks sooo much Dave

Had an argument with my girlfriend earlier, she said there’s a lack of communication in our relationship. Or something like that

Breaking News: Noel Gallagher left Oasis. 13 years after the world left Oasis.

How do you know Noah was a White man? No black guy could stay on a boat for 40 days without eating the chickens!

Sex with the elderly... That’s a grey area.

I've been trying anal with my wife and I'm a bit unsure about it. I'm just finding it hard to get in to.

After spending 3 hours in a queue for free willy the fucker at the desk tells me it’s a film ?

"Just say no!" prevents teenage pregnancy the way "Have a nice day" cures chronic depression.

My mate gave me a nipple cripple last night, but was pissed off when I returned it. What the fuck is her problem?

Incest. That's where I really come into my own.

Apathy... I could take it or leave it.

You really have to hand it to blind prostitutes!

My wife said... "Make me feel like a real woman." I said... "Here, iron this."

I was accused yesterday of being a YES MAN... I had to agree.

My wife always laughs during sex... no matter what she's reading.

What has got 100 legs and 4 teeth? A Methadone queue

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I recently took up meditation... It beats sitting around doing nothing.

What has 90 balls and screws little old ladies? Bingo!

Amazing new realistic vibrator on the market... Half an hour before the women reaches orgasm it coughs, farts, goes limp then switches off.

My mate has had a baby and asked me to wind it... I thought it was a bit harsh and just gave it a dead leg.

My wife left me for my best friend.... God, I really miss him. :)

Mad scientist crossed a parrot with an alligator?... It bit off his arm and said... who's a pretty boy then?

My wife told me to tease her.... I said “Alright then, fatty!

Sometimes I wake up grumpy and then other times I just let her sleep.

Asked my wife to tell me something to make me happy and sad. She said "you have a bigger cock than your brother”.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?... He wiped his arse on a leaf.

Bitch Vs Whore. Whore sleeps with everybody at the party, Bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except YOU!

What do Fat people do in the summer time ?.... well my fat mum-in-law usually just stinks.

What's dangerous and eats nuts?... Syphilis

What do 60,000 abused woman have in common?... They don't fuckin listen!

Got the wife a mood ring... When she's in a good mood, it turns green... When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on my forehead.

Wife said I’m like horoscopes, I said what magical & wise?... no, always telling me what 2 do & usually wrong.

Don't join dangerous cults... Practice safe sects

What goes: Clip clop, clip clop, bang bang, clip clop, clip clop?... An Amish drive-by shooting.

Dr asked my wife for my stool, urine, and sperm samples.... she gave him a pair of my underwear. :(

Took my wife a glass of water & two aspirins in bed... She said, I don't have a headache! I said, "GREAT" ;)

Girlfriend told me I should put a pair of clean socks on everyday... By Friday I couldn't get my boots on.

Asked a man carrying a long pole. Are u a pole vaulter? He said No, German & How'd u know my name was Walter”

My anger management class pisses me off!

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? He decided to stick it out for one more year!

30% of women think their ass is 2 fat, 10% think it's 2 skinny. 60% say they love him and he's a good man ;)

I Still Miss My Ex... But My Aim Is Getting Better :-)

How many perverts does it take 2 put in a light bulb? 1, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

3 things I love that start with the letter M.... Money, music, and

Asked the wife... "What do you love most, my good looks or my body? She said, "Your sense of humour" :(

My wife has an open mind... I can feel the draft from here.

I gave up drinking, smoking and sex.... Worst fifteen minutes of my life.

Before I met my wife I was hungry.... Now, I am fed up.

Wife told me 2 take off her blouse, Then her bra. Then said if I ever wear her clothes again she's leaving me.

Menstruation, menopause, mental breakdowns... Wife asked if I noticed how many women's problems begin with men?

Since being married I now carry pictures in my wallet where my money used to be.

A good listener is usually thinking about something else

If you can't say something nice.... become a reporter.

My wife's face says it all... Especially the mouth part.

Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Did you hear about the device that makes cars run 95% quieter? .... it fits right over her mouth.

I recently turned 35... Even more recently, I turned 41. :(

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

What did one gay clown say to the other gay clown... You taste funny

Food has replaced sex in my life ... Now, I can't even get into my own pants.

Life is like a dick... When it gets hard... "Screw it"

Took Viagra once and it got stuck in my throat... had a stiff neck all day.

I asked my wife if she wanted a cigarette after sex and she said... No, one drag is enough

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice... I don't know if I'm coming or going.

What's blue and fucks old ladies?... Hypothermia.

What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?... A wife who won't do what she's told!

strgnae fcat you can jmulbe ltteers up on a tewet but as lnog as the fisrt and lsat lteters are rghit the barin sitll raeds it.

Let's test the way you think... thepenisinhermouth.... Did you read 'the pen is in her mouth'? :)

I got my wife a vibrator for her birthday... She's done nothing but moan ever since.

The average man thinks about sex once every six boobs.

Feminism... It's fine as a hobby but it's not going to get you a husband. :)

I just finished a jigsaw puzzle & it only took 6 months... I'm impressed with myself big time... as it said, "From 2-4 years." on the box :)

The first day at the nudist colony is always the hardest.

Phone sales..I love them... I act interested in what they offer then say hold on there is someone at the door & leave the phone 4 ages. LOL

What does WIFE stand for?... Washing, Ironing, Fucking, Etc.

Did you hear about the Jewish Kamikaze pilot?... He crashed his plane in to his brothers scrap yard.

What does a girl with bulimia call two fingers?... Dessert.

A Passionate kiss like a spider's web.... it will soon lead to the undoing of a fly.

One for the ladies... why do men like big tits & tight a pussy? Because they've got big mouths and little dicks.

The credit crunch has hit the prostitution trade hard... The whole industry is on it's knees.

My wife is a sex object... Everytime I ask for sex, she objects. :(

Ever since Micheal Jacksons Death hundreds of children have gathered around the gates of the Neverland Ranch. Police will let them out as soon as the locksmith arrives.

I love feminists, especially ones with huge tits.

How does it change many dyslexics to take a light-bulb?

My wife has a little sea shell tattoo on the top of her leg.. When i put my ear to it I can smell the sea.

My wife is so dumb. I found a 12 pack of condoms in her suitcase; silly bitch has forgotten that I'm not even going away with her on this trip

I couldn't find the thingy that turns the TV over today, so I asked one of the kids if they'd seen it... They said she went shopping. :(

What is a woman’s best point of view?... The kitchen window.

My mum in law is just like clouds?... When she fucks off, I have a really nice day :)

Scientists have discovered that there is intelligent DNA in some women. Unfortunately 95% of them spat it out ;)

You should never shag a midget with learning difficulties... It's not big and it's not clever.

How do you make a feminist smile?... Stuff some money in her bra and tell her to buy herself something nice.

Bungee jumping is like getting a blowjob off your granny, feels great but for christs sake don't look down.

When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, “Are you two an item?

Asked the wife, why don’t you ever tell me when your having an orgasm? she said... I don’t like 2 ring u at work. :(

Dating… He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason Vs. Married… He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

Wife said men are like tights... They either cling, run or don’t fit right to the crotch

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

Alzheimer’s protest march " What do we Want?"... "Fuck Knows" "When do we want it?"... "Want what?"

Asked the wife 2 learn 2 cook & we can sack the chef, She said learn 2 make love and we will sack The Gardener

Three most hated words during sex: for men... "Are you in?" for women... "Honey, I'm home!"

Whats the difference Between a Catholic wife & a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms & fake jewellery.

How can you tell if your at a bulimic stag party?... The cake jumps out of the girl.

What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?... I'll spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.

What does a guy with a massive dick have for breakfast?.... Well this morning I had a slice of toast.

What is the result if you take a viagra with a valium?... If you don't get a fuck, you don't give a fuck.

Wife watched a porn film with me for the 1st time. She was ok with the graphic sex, but found the masturbation very off-putting. so I stopped

Why is a necrophiliac like a grave digger?... They both dig dead people’s holes.

Wife said I’m like horoscopes, I said what magical & wise?... no, always telling me what 2 do & usually wrong.

My wife said, "Do you ever think about anyone else during sex?"... I said, "Yeah, you"

Bought the wife a vibrator yesterday... she broke all her teeth.

Told the wife she'd never find another man like me.. She said What makes you think I'd want another man like you

What do you call a dead blonde in a closet? The 1983 Hide-and-Seek World Champion

Hated weddings because old folks would poke me saying “your next."... I started doing it to them at funerals.

My back goes out more than I do these days :(

Took my dog to the flea circus... he stole the show.

Every time I look at internet porn... I get an annoying pop up.

I just ended a long-term relationship today... I don't care, it wasn't mine.

Mum's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?... Palm Sunday.

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman...... before marriage and after marriage

What does a bible and a penis have in common?... Both get shoved down your throat by a Priest :(

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Since being married i now carry pictures in my wallet where my money used to be.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?... An offer you can't understand.

Quadruplets.... Four crying out loud.

No matter how much I push the envelope... it's still stationary.

For my Birthday I asked wife 4 something that would go from 0 to 100 in under 10secs... She got me a bathroom scale.

A pessimist believes that all women are bad. An optimist hopes so

My Mum-in-Law is sooo ugly even the dog hump’s her leg with its eyes closed.

Caught my son praying, "Dear God, please send clothes 4 all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer... Amen :(

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!

Necrophilia... That Uncontrollable Urge to Crack Open A Cold One.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I got my wife a vibrator for her birthday... She's done nothing but moan ever since.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

A Passionate kiss like a spider's web.... it will soon lead to the undoing of a fly.

What do you call the useless flesh which surrounds a vagina?... A woman.:)

Just remember, there are two sides to every divorce.... Yours and Bitchface's.

I once knew an agnostic dyslexic insomniac. He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.

The wife just said she wanted to give me one... Unfortunately, it was out of ten. :(

I got kicked out of the cinema last night for bringing my own food in with me :( I was gutted.... It's ages since I've had a barbecue.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

I came very close to death today .... I had a wank in the cemetery

Did you hear about the new Divorce Barbie? It comes with all of Ken's stuff.

My neighbours complain when I talk to my plants. Maybe I should stop using the megaphone...

Well, wish me luck. I'm going in to get a full-body tattoo. Of myself. Only taller.

Marriage is like a 3 ring circus... First comes the engagement ring, then comes the wedding ring and finally comes the suffering.

Asked the wife if she would have married me if my dad hadn't left me a fortune? She said, Id have married u no matter who left u a fortune.

Neighbour was gloating about how he had seen me having sex with my wife through the blinds last night, Jokes on him, I wasn't at home last night.

I just finished installing a skylight in my apartment. My upstairs neighbours are pissed!

Exercise is cool. My grandma began walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 96 and we have no idea where the hell she is.

If a synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest of them have to drown too?

Wife is not that keen on phone sex... Last week the Doctor had to removed 2 Nokias, 1 Samsung, 2 Motorolas and a load of siemens :(

What are you supposed to do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

My wife always has the last word in any argument. Anything I say afterward is the beginning of a new argument.

I'm on a great diet. You can eat absolutely anything you want. But you have to eat it with naked fat guys.

Was a near tragedy at my shopping centre... Today, a power cut left 4 blondes stranded on an escalator for almost 6 hours.

What's the most popular pick-up line among rednecks? A: "Nice tooth!"

My buddy and his wife are using oral contraceptives. He asks if she wants to get frisky... and she says "no."

I'll always remember the last words of my uncle, who told me "I bet you can't shoot this apple off my head."

My wife says it's disgusting that I piss in the bath....I suppose I should have waited until she got out.

I took my girlfriend round to see my family today.... My wife went fucking mental.

My aunt lists her occupation as "housekeeper," which I guess is true. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.

Wife told me to talk to her like she was special Today... So I said Gooo....Anddd...Makee...Meee...A... Cuuppp...Offff... Teaaa

Opportunity doesn't always knock. Sometimes it rings the bell and runs away leaving a flaming bag of poo on your doorstep.

Why did the blonde, throw breadcrumbs in the toilet bowl?...To feed the toilet duck.

My wife told me "Smart men make great husbands!" I said "Smart men don't get fucking married!"

What is the difference between a wife and a prostitute?... One is contract and the other is pay-as-you-go.

My latest phone bill is £500...That's the last time I ever call the 'stuttering sluts' sex line :(

My wife said to me, "If I died tomorrow, when would you start sleeping with other women?"... I said, "Er, about three years ago".

My buddy's girlfriend said he should be more affectionate. So he got two more girlfriends.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other person is a husband.

I was looking at sweaters and asked the clerk where virgin wool came from. She said "Ugly sheep."

I told my psychiatrist I keep dreaming I'm twitching at the bottom of the sea. He said "You must be a nervous wreck!"

My proctologist sent a postcard. It said "Did you know it's checkup time?" I didn't... but now my postman does. Thanks.

My brothers threw me in a lake to teach me to swim. Actually, swimming was easy compared to getting out of the sack..

The young soldier survived a mustard gas attack and a pepper spray assault. Now he's a seasoned veteran.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

My wife thinks I'm too nosy. At least that's what she says in her diary.

The best place to be in an earthquake is in a doorway. The second best place is at Hooters.

There are better things in life than alcohol. But alcohol makes you feel better about not having them.

My doctor said "You have the body of a 37-year-old." I said "Yeah, I keep it in my freezer next to the 52-year-old."

If a show dog chases you, don't go into a tunnel, over a little seesaw then through a hoop. They're trained for that!

I'd like the money to build one of these home theaters. Wouldn't build one, but I'd like the money.

Saw a job opening for a wastewater treatment operator. Among the requirements: "Must be able to swim." I think I'll pass.

Sweden just passed a law letting women go topless in public pools. The vote was split: 50% "Yes" and 50% "Hell, Yes!"

I'm addicted to food. Have been for years. But today, I've decided to quit cold turkey.

What a day. I had to explain to my cousin how babies are made. You'd think after her 5th kid she'd have figured it out.

I'm living proof that some family trees produce an enormous crop of nuts!

After my accident, I told the officer that I thought the other driver was drunk. He told me the other driver was a tree.

If the Dept. of Health sends you an email saying not to eat canned pork because of Swine Flu, ignore it. It's just Spam.

The "T" and "G" keys are quite close on a standard keyboard. As such, I will no longer be ending emails with "Regards"

I'm on a strictly vegan diet. I find I prefer grain-fed vegans over the free-range variety, but I may be overcooking.

Ever since Michael Jacksons death hundreds of children have been gathering at the gates of Neverland Ranch. Police will let them out as soon as the locksmith arrives

My dwarf girlfriend just dumped me. What a shame! I was nuts over her!

I gave my mum in law a puzzled look earlier... Cut her into 200 tiny pieces.

My wife has eczema all over her chest... She's got a cracking pair of tits.

A recent survey on blow jobs & why men liked them, 6% liked the feeling, 12% liked the excitement & 82% just liked the fucking silence

AMAZING weight loss story. Woman loses 200 pounds of fat.... She dumps her man! :-)